turning point

i've been in somewhat of a rut lately - like for the past six months (or maybe year). it seems like ever since i stopped working - working in public relations for a paycheck, that is. of course I still "work." anyway, ever since I stopped, let's say... freelancing, i've found myself unorganized and unproductive. that really shouldn't be the case. i no longer have to get up at 4AM to take calls from the East Coast. i no longer have to spend all of nap time on conference calls/writing/editing/emailing. i no longer have to take work calls at the grocery store, park, gym and on vacation. i no longer have to pretend ryder isn't watching too much tv just so i can finish one last project. life really should be more manageable now, right?

so what's my deal?

here's what i've come up with - first off, i think my previously stressed and packed schedule forced me to be efficient and highly organized. i didn't have any room for error.

then secondly, my new found "freedom" forced me overboard. i got so excited to do all of the things i hadn't had time for over the previous two+ years that i jumped into too many projects and goals at one time. the result? it took me forever to actually finish a project and few (if any) of my goals have been met. bummer. that's a recipe for disappointment and a drop in self-esteem.

thirdly - working outside of the home can bring such a tangible sense of fulfillment. i would start a press tour/news release/contributed article/etc, work hard on it, have a deadline, finish it up and usually receive positive validation from coworkers and the client. even if it's just a well-written email with a recommendation that is well received - adult interaction and validation brings a great sense of accomplishment. now, take reasons number one and two mixed with the sudden lack of daily tangible validation. yuck. that's a crummy feeling.

please note the use of the word "tangible." motherhood is amazing. at this time of my life i wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here with my two young, beautiful boys. i love helping them wake up and embrace the good of each day. i love seeing them smile and feeling as though i had some small part in making it happen. i love seeing them learn and progress - both intellectually and emotionally. i love their kisses/hugs/laughter. i would never choose time in the office or travels to new york and boston for a tour over any of these things. never.

how can this picture not make you smile?!

but, motherhood doesn't necessarily have "checkpoints" along the way like a job does. it's hard to feel a great sense of accomplishment after changing your sixth poopy diaper of the day. i'm not saying being a mom isn't worth it - because i believe quite the contrary. i do believe motherhood is the best and most important job i could be doing right now. all i'm saying is that i don't feel like i've reached some new intellectual level as i wipe up excess pee around the toilet or scrub dried food off the carpet for the fifth time in two days.

i guess the trick is recognizing that the busy work of motherhood takes up far more time than the short bursts of goodness that come. and i guess you just have to find joy in the busy work - seeing it as a service and building a beautiful environment that welcomes and fosters that goodness. i know these things - and i think i often find myself enjoying the journey - but i'm still trying to learn how to believe these things in my heart throughout each day. no matter what comes.

Elder M. Russell Ballard (an incredible leader in the church we belong to - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) gave a talk in april 2008 that has brought me great comfort. read it. it's good. in part, he says:

"We need to remember that the full commitment of motherhood and of putting children first can be difficult. Through my own four-generation experience in our family, and through discussions with mothers of young children throughout the Church, I know something of a mother’s emotions that accompany her commitment to be at home with young children. There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made...

recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction."

i'm learning that it's okay that motherhood is hard for me at times. it is hard. that's just the way it is.

does this sound even remotely familiar to something you've gone through? or have thought before? or am i alone on this one?

so, i think i've let these crummy feelings get to me. and i'm living life in a whirlwind. much of that has to do with the fact that i'm just now recognizing all of these reasons (and a few others) for my seemingly unproductive, unorganized life. when you don't know the cause of a problem, it's kind of hard to fix it. so, now i'm ready to move on. to move up. to make life better.

so, i'm working on a plan. i'm setting some goals. i need a better consistent perspective.

what has worked for you? any guidance? help!