the day Ryder made me feel a little sad

Yesterday Ryder made me feel a little sad. Not intentionally, of course. And it's not like it hasn't happened before. I am a little sensitive at times, and he is a four year old. It happens. But this one is worthy of record keeping. I want Ryder to read this one day and just remember a few things.

Saturday morning I was making buttermilk pancakes, complete with homemade syrup and raspberry jam. You four boys were playing in the family room. You turned to dad and said, "Dad, one day I'm going to be a paleontologist. And I'm going to be an oral surgeon, just like you. I'm going to go to real work. Not stay home like mom and Cannon."

Hee hee.

At first I laughed. And really, I'm still laughing about it. But when I stopped to think about what you said, I admit, it did make me feel a bit sad. Just sad that in your little world you don't yet realize how much work a mother really does - and how important the work and role of a mother really is.

I know my expectations are a little unrealistic, at this point. I don't think I truly appreciated my mother until I left home for university. My appreciation for her continues to grow as I learn and come to realize what her life with seven children must have been and is like. And you're not even five yet. And really, I don't want praise and admiration for all I do. That would be a little egocentric and negate a vital part of what I know true motherhood is all about - selflessness.

But still.

I look forward to the day when you see motherhood as the sacred calling and responsibility it is. I look forward to the day when you marry the love of your life, welcome your first little miracle into your world and look upon your wife the way your father looks at me - with respect and love and adoration. I am so blessed to be married to your dad.

Just so you do know, Ryder - Your mom enjoyed school. I enjoy learning. I graduated from a four year university with a BA in Communications, with an emphasis in Public Relations and a minor in Business. I did two internships during my studies - one in Washington D.C. with our church's international and government affairs office and another with a substance abuse center near school. I did a study abroad in London and traveled throughout Europe and parts of asia and enjoyed (and still enjoy) learning about other cultures and languages and ways of life.

I worked in corporate America for six years. The first three years were full time, with travels to NY, Boston, Arizona and around home in the Bay Area for meetings with magazine editors. I enjoy reading about politics and keeping up on our world's happenings. Maybe I don't have a facebook page at the moment or text very often, but I have figured out a few things here and there.

After leaving the full time workforce, I worked for three more years as an independent PR contractor - all so I could be home with you and be a part of as much of your life as I possibly could.

I don't know everything. I never will. I've experienced very little of what the world has to offer. I have a lot to learn - a lot I want to learn. And I so look forward to learning all I can and contributing some good, albeit small, to the world we live in.

But my choice to stay home with you and your brothers and to be part of your everyday life is by far one of the best choices I have ever made.

I love seeing your smile each morning as you waltz into my room - ready to take on your day. I love your unexpected hugs and the days you cuddle with me and let me read to you - rather than "reading" to yourself. I love when you excitedly help me make dinner or treats or breakfast and when you swing your arms around my neck to ask me what you can do to help next. I love being able to comfort you when you're sad and rejoice with you when you excel and cheer you on in everything you do. I enjoy our walks and adventures. Although a trial of ours at times, I do enjoy your need to be near me and a part of my everything every day. I treasure every little memory we've made together.

I know I don't need any of that formal education or experience or travels to be a good mom. I know I can be a good mom while I'm working outside the home. There are so many loving, selfless moms in my life that do just that. And I so admire them for their path in life and for what they have taught and continue to teach me. I'm grateful for the things I have learned and my opportunity to be home with you. I'm grateful to my Father in Heaven for the chance he's given me to be your mom.

No doubt, being a mother is hard. There are days I do think of what it would be like to wake up and just do what I want to do. Or what it would be like to travel on businesses trips again. Or how nice it would be to take off with dad on some exotic vacation - because we can. But then I remind myself how lonely that life would be for me. You bring me so much happiness. Serving you and helping you grow fills my soul with joy.

I'd have it no other way.

Today, you are my most favorite 4 1/2 year old on earth. I love you so very much.

love, mom.

p.s. I hope you enjoy the family home evening lesson your father gives tomorrow night on motherhood. ;)