my littles

...don't seem very little anymore.

Ryder.... July 16, 2006

I'm emotionally overwhelmed today. When I feel a rush of emotion like this, I have the urge to write. To get it all out. That's why I'm here today. On blogger.

My little boys are sleeping. Hudson is 3 months. Cannon is 2 1/2 years. Ryder is 4 1/2 years old. What has happened to my little boys? I know, technically they're still little. But, not really. Not to me.

I have to admit, I haven't been the greatest mom these past six months. I don't feel like I've failed them. I just feel like I used to be better. I've been a bit edgy and impatient most days. But today I realized (again) to just chill out and enjoy the ride. My little boys are growing and changing every day.

Does it sound a bit cheesy? Yes.

Cliche? Definitely.

But the feeling is real to me. Very real. And so intense. I have this urge to never let them grow up... to somehow keep them "my littles."

I want to hold on to all of the feelings and daily experiences. I want to remember Ryder's little voice calling my name in the early morning hours as he tries to wake me up. I want to remember how miniature they look in their big bunk beds. I want to remember what it feels like to run my fingers through their hair as I sing them a song goodnight. I always want to feel like Todd and I are the most important people in their lives.

I love their expressions as they spot me in a crowded grocery store or church hallway... like they just spotted the gold at the end of a rainbow. I want to remember how it feels to have their arms wrapped tight around my neck. I want to remember their little voices singing dino ABCs at the top of their lungs... even if it is, literally, for the hundredth time.

I want to remember the baby smells. I can live without the big boy odors.... but their little baby scents melt my heart and make me want to hold on and never let go. I want to always feel their little fingers in my palm. I want to remember how it feels to have Cannon beg me to cuddle with him... or to "hold you!?"

I don't want to see their hearts break or for them to ever get lost.... physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I don't want to be uncool in their eyes. I don't want them to ever think they hate me. I don't want to see them torn down and defeated. I don't want to see them lose.

I don't want their lives to get complicated.

I shutter to think that most everything I know as daily life now will one day be gone.

Today I'm grateful to be a mother.... a mother of young, sweet boys. Bring on the dirty diapers, endless laundry, muddy tracks across my floor, dead bugs, a full dishwasher alongside a sink of dishes, loud voices and bottomless tummies. I'm even willing to welcome the tantrums, quarrellings and sassy words. Because how innocent those downfalls are at this point.

I want life to stay simple.

Is that too much to ask?

When I make more sense of this all, I'll be back with some pics of Cannon. For now, here's a snapshot of Ryder's life.

Ryder as a newborn

Ryder 1 week old

Ryder 2 weeks old

Ryder's blessing day in San Francisco.... 1 month old

Ryder 2 months old... hanging out at home in SF

Ryder 3 months old

Ryder 3 1/2 months old

Ryder 6 months old playing at home with crazy hair

Ryder 8 months old - on a walk with mom and friends near Crissy Field

Ryder 11 months old - with Grandpa and fam at a Giants game

Ryder 1 year old - exploring in Grandma and Grandpa's front yard

Ryder 1 year old at the beach in Sausalito

1 1/2 years old - playing in Golden Gate Park's Children's Playground

2 years old - with his beloved in Monterey

 2 1/2 years old in Golden Gate Park. {sigh}

 3 years old on the banks of Lake Washington near UW... just after we moved

 3 1/2 years old.... coloring with dad after church

3 1/2 after a hair cut

 4 years old - this summer at the Hansen family reunion... enjoying Park City.

 And now... 4 1/2 years old... giving high fives after knocking two pins down in Five-Pin Bowling (a Canadian thing...)

Where does time go?